Depression; a battle greater than any in the sagas…

Forgive me for my absence readers, but I have been extremely busy doing… nothing. Yes that’s right, for the last almost 2 months I haven’t done diddly squat. Why? well in short, depression. Because of the way I grew up I always assumed much of my depression came from the way I grew up, and indeed this did cause me a vast degree of stress. I began to notice however, that even as I grew up and began to gain some control over my life that I still lacked the energy. I would be vastly exited to try something one moment only to notice that I’ve spent three days lying in bed staring at the ceiling instead.
It took me some thought and experimenting to discover the source of this lethargic behavior. But I eventually began to realize it wasn’t psychological at all. I wasn’t “sad” about anything particular. In fact my greatest emotional strife was simply in not knowing why the hell I lacked the will to really live my life despite being quite enthusiastic on a conscious level. I would often be buzzing with energy even though I could never seem to use any of it to get out of bed. I would be running around the house with excitement and pacing the floor waiting to try a new project or activity I had planned but when the time came I just…. didn’t want to anymore.
Eventually my grandmother mentioned in passing about needing to take medicine for her thyroid condition again since she had been feeling so unreasonably tired the last few years and that’s when it hit me like a freight train. You see, when I was in my late teens I realized I still had not hit puberty. When I consulted a doctor about it it was revealed that my pituitary gland (that is, the master gland that controls hormone production) was terribly small and inefficient. If left to its own devices I would only be hitting puberty right about now and I’m nearly 28 as I write this! So instead I basically had puberty injected directly into my flesh instead. The vast surge of testosterone got me caught up to the physical age I should have been but that didn’t exactly fix my crippled pituitary gland.
It dawned on me that the thyroid gland too is part of the endocrine system and that if the master organ of that system is crippled it only makes sense that it too, would likely be experiencing problems as well. I have never “blamed” my weight on my thyroid as many people do, and indeed I know that many who blame their weight on such are exaggerating or straight up lying to themselves. However a messed up thyroid does add to the already cruel reality that its easier to gain weight than to lose it, this much is true. These effects however seemed exaggerated in me. I spent the better part of 2 years hiking, surfing, swimming and eating tofu. I had to hike up a mountain just to get to work every day and in 2 years I lost just 20 lbs or so. Only to gain it all back in less than 2 months just because I had fried chicken a couple more times a month than usual. I slip off of kale and tofu for 2 months and I gain 20 lbs? what the actual hell?
Looking back now I’m actually a little surprised I never put the pieces together. I was so busy looking for a psychological or spiritual reason for my issues that it never occurred to me that it was purely a physical one. And now here I am caught at another dilemma. I now know whats causing my severe lethargy and blocking me from progressing in life. I also now know however that there’s no point in fighting it, it’s simply a matter of taking the hormones my body is missing. That however is not going to be cheap. It ties me to a life of pills and shelling out money to a doctor. I’m not fond of the idea to be honest, but I suppose if there’s such a simple solution to my problem I ought to take it even if its not an ideal situation. I’m allergic to dogs as well, but I still want one despite the medicinal assistance I’d need.
In the end I suppose part of being an adult is doing what you have to do to solve your problems even if you don’t like the solution. Sometimes there’s no perfect solution and we have to learn to accept that. The gods are not going to fix such things for you. The gods only empower us to do things for ourselves and occasionally step in when all hope is lost. They will not cure that which there is a perfectly valid earthly remedy for just because I don’t like it. It’s an insult to the gods to ask them for help with something so petty that I’m perfectly within my power to fix on my own. Until I can afford to go on such a regimen though I will try to keep my chin up and continue on the path that has been set out for me.
For all my friends out there who suffer with depression, be it hormone related or what have you. I see you, I feel your struggle. I know what its like to feel hopeless even when you see the path to victory right in front of you. You are not weak, or pathetic or useless. It’s not your fault you cannot fight. No man can fight while he is in chains, it’s merely a matter of watching for an opportunity to break free. You may have to ask for help in this and there is nothing wrong with that. Do not attempt to break out of iron shackles on your own and slowly starve yourself because you were too proud to ask if anyone had a key. You CAN find a way to break free! Let no one judge you until you are truly able to show your real power.

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